Finding Continuity in Loss

How to honor a legacy by focusing on the time shared.

This article is dedicated to my brother-in-law and his family on the recent loss of his father. May you all find peace in the continuity of the love you shared.

In my previous article The “No Brainer” Rules for my Daughter, I included a specific point about death because loss is an inevitable part of the human experience. As I age, the presence of death becomes more prevalent in my life: coworkers, friends, grandparents, parents, in-laws, aunts, uncles, relatives, and our four-legged friends, our pets. Learning to live with this reality has become an important practice. What I found worked for me was a shift in my own perspective. Instead of focusing on the absence, I began to focus on the continuity. I realized the relationship does not end: it changes form.

A Different Way to Think About Death

A visual representation of shifting perspective from absence to continuity. The relationship doesn't end; it just moves to "the next room."

Regardless of what a person believes or what religion they follow, I think these words from Henry Scott-Holland offer a helpful lens for processing death. They remind me that the life we lived together is untouched.

Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I have only slipped away into the next room. Everything remains as it was. The old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.

Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by the old familiar name. Speak of me in the easy way which you always used. Put no sorrow in your tone. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effort. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before. How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting, when we meet again.

Author: Henry Scott-Holland

Choosing Gratitude for the Whole Story

Logic often falls short when dealing with sorrow and I had to consciously choose gratitude. This concept was articulated well by Stephen Colbert, who has spoken deeply about his own losses. He observed that if you are grateful for your life, “then you have to be grateful for all of it.”

Colbert noted that “it is a gift to exist, and with existence comes suffering. There is no escaping that.” It suggests that even the pain of loss is part of the gift of having loved someone enough to miss them.

Instead of dwelling on the void left behind, I focus on the gratitude for the time, the lessons, the wisdom, and the love and friendship I was fortunate enough to receive. Choosing to laugh at the little jokes we once shared, to me, is a testament to a shared life.

The Lowe Down

• Focus on continuity: Treat the relationship as something that has changed form rather than something that has ended.

• Honor the legacy: Keep names and memories as “household words” spoken without effort.

• Prioritize gratitude: Choose to be grateful for the entire experience, including the lessons learned through difficult transitions.

It’s a no brainer.

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Seeking Balance: Grief is a heavy reality. While I value self-reliance, I have learned that too many rocks in your ruck sack make it impossible to move forward. If the void becomes overwhelming, I believe seeking professional help is a sign of wisdom. Even the strongest foundations need support sometimes.